Saturday 26 July 2014
26 July 2014: A Note To You
And what if I can’t bring myself to delete your pictures? Or
to erase your words and the moments we shared? Because I know we’re over, I know
we’ve ended. But I’m not angry at you. I can’t be angry at you. I still look at
you and your photos with as much compassion as I always did. And a
part of me always will. A piece of you will forever be in my heart and a part
of my life and my past will be reserved just for you. Whether that be in
memories or feelings, please know that I’m always here for you xx
26 July 2014: Young and Oblivious
I miss how things used to be. How when we were younger we
were easily amused and carefree.
I miss the little things that granted so much happiness and
the way everyday felt like a brand new adventure.
I miss how everyone was once innocent and knew nothing of
stereotypes.
I miss the way our problems were almost non-existent and stress
wasn’t even in our vocabulary.
26 July 2014: Danger To Myself
Sometimes I am a huge danger to myself and take risks just
for the sake of it. When I get in my depressed moods is when most of these
risks occur. Because in those moments I don’t care about anything anymore. I walk
around in a numb state of mind, both physically and mentally.
I extract myself from situations for no reason at all. I get in this down mood where only one or two certain people can pull me up from.
The dangerous situations that I get stuck in are purely my own fault. I know the consequences and I know the possible harsh effects.
I extract myself from situations for no reason at all. I get in this down mood where only one or two certain people can pull me up from.
26 July 2014: Goodbye and Good Riddance
I think it’s sad that people wish away so much of their
lives. That we want to erase numerous parts of our past. That we just “can’t
wait for this week to be over”.
Sunday 6 July 2014
06 July 2014: I Think Of You Every Single Day
For the one I miss the most who I will never be able to see again. No matter how strange, I think of you everyday and I would give anything to have one more moment with you. This song is yours. Love you forever x
My heart feels like
it's broken
Like I'm missing a
piece of my soul
I feel you watching
from above
Each day as I grow
old
I feel like you're a
part of me
That you would have
really cared
Like you felt all my
pain
For the three months
you were here
Oh I want to know
you
I just want you in
my life
To have you hear all
about my day
And have lunch with
you on a Sunday
It's moments like
these I wish we could share
For now we're apart,
but one day I'll join you up there
I've heard all the
stories
About your redeeming
qualities
About your love for
fast cars
And your kindness
and generosity
Tears well in my
eyes as I picture you, in my mind
And as your birthday
passes and we celebrate your life
I can't help but
wonder, if you were still here, what it would be like.
I can only imagine
that you are with me in every way
Filling my life with
love, each and every day
Oh I want to know
you
I just want you in
my life
To have you hear all
about my day
And have lunch with
you on a Sunday
It's moments like
these I wish we could share
For now we're apart,
but one day I'll join you up there
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're not in my
sight but you are in my mind
Photographs are all
I'm left with, without them I'm blind.
When the stars align
and the skies turn grey
I will finally be
able to see you
When heaven takes me
away
For now, I pray.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh I want to know
you
I just want you in
my life
To have you hear all
about my day
And have lunch with
you on a Sunday
It's moments like
these I wish we could share
For now we're apart,
but one day I'll join you up there
06 July 2014: You Don't Know What I Hide
You are jealous so you judge. You use the power of words to hurt me, whether it is intentionally I am not sure.
But you don't really know what you are jealous of. You only see what I want to show you. What I choose to be known as. You don't see the real me...no one does.
But you don't really know what you are jealous of. You only see what I want to show you. What I choose to be known as. You don't see the real me...no one does.
Saturday 5 July 2014
05 July 2014: One Girl's Story (Headspace)
This girl's story pretty much exactly sums up my own feelings (Headspace)
"It’s not something you plan for or even expect, or it wasn’t that way for me anyway. It came out of nowhere. I had no reason to feel the way I did, but I couldn’t control it.
Once depression took hold of me, I battled it, at times to breaking point. I guess throughout my entire life I never really trusted anyone. I had experienced a lot of loss and maybe that was what made things end up the way they did...
I spent almost a year feeling the worst I’ve ever felt without anyone knowing. I had a roof over my head, an amazing family and clothes on my back, I had everything you need to live, but I never felt alive. After feeling like that, I then felt guilty for having so much when there are people who have nothing. I had everything and I was nothing. I shut myself off from everyone and I guess you could say I bottled up my emotions until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was fragile to say the least.
One minute I would be so angry and work myself up to the point of throwing things and saying a lot of things I regret now and the next I was either just sad or felt nothing at all. All the anxiety attacks, all of the sleepless nights, stress, migraines and feeling sick eventually caught up with me. For a long time I think I was in denial of the fact that something wasn’t right. Even my family had tried to convince themselves that it was just the “moody teenage years” kicking in, but there was nothing I could do to tell anyone how I felt. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t talk about it or bring myself to admit I needed help. I screamed out for help in other ways. I had an inability to express what I was going through.
I feel worthless and like I don't belong anywhere for so long, I have trouble expressing my feelings. I learnt a lot about myself because of all this and what I am going through has become a huge part of me.
It’s hard to hide your feelings from a world that believes you are fine, but the truth is that you shouldn’t have to."
"It’s not something you plan for or even expect, or it wasn’t that way for me anyway. It came out of nowhere. I had no reason to feel the way I did, but I couldn’t control it.
Once depression took hold of me, I battled it, at times to breaking point. I guess throughout my entire life I never really trusted anyone. I had experienced a lot of loss and maybe that was what made things end up the way they did...
I spent almost a year feeling the worst I’ve ever felt without anyone knowing. I had a roof over my head, an amazing family and clothes on my back, I had everything you need to live, but I never felt alive. After feeling like that, I then felt guilty for having so much when there are people who have nothing. I had everything and I was nothing. I shut myself off from everyone and I guess you could say I bottled up my emotions until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was fragile to say the least.
One minute I would be so angry and work myself up to the point of throwing things and saying a lot of things I regret now and the next I was either just sad or felt nothing at all. All the anxiety attacks, all of the sleepless nights, stress, migraines and feeling sick eventually caught up with me. For a long time I think I was in denial of the fact that something wasn’t right. Even my family had tried to convince themselves that it was just the “moody teenage years” kicking in, but there was nothing I could do to tell anyone how I felt. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t talk about it or bring myself to admit I needed help. I screamed out for help in other ways. I had an inability to express what I was going through.
I feel worthless and like I don't belong anywhere for so long, I have trouble expressing my feelings. I learnt a lot about myself because of all this and what I am going through has become a huge part of me.
It’s hard to hide your feelings from a world that believes you are fine, but the truth is that you shouldn’t have to."
05 July 2014: For Better Or Worse...I Will Aways Love You
Divorce, splitting up, separation...whatever you want to call it, there's no positivity behind these labels.
I died inside when I came home and heard that my aunty and uncle were splitting up. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and I was silently gasping for air. I've never had to experience anything like this before. I have such a large family but we are all close-knit and very family orientated.
This aunty and uncle of mine in particular I am very close to. They have lived in the house beside me practically my whole life. From as far back as I can remember they were there, always with an open door, giving me presents for my birthday and helping me to celebrate it, video camera at the ready on Christmas mornings, partying with us in the backyard etc. etc. They are like my second parents and I've always felt that if anything happened to my Mum and Dad, it would be my aunty and uncle who would take me and my siblings in as their own children.
There is a reason I hate change. I don't know what to think, how to act or feel or what the future is going to hold. Which one will move out? My aunty most probably but will my uncle still work on the farm? How often will my cousins be going backwards and forwards between their parents? Will both my aunty and uncle still come to family gatherings?
Now all I hear at home is hushed conversations between Mum and Dad about loans, mortgages, housing, solicitors etc etc. I feel like these are things I shouldn't have to worry about, being my parent's 'child' but the truth is, I'm not a child anymore. I know how these things work and how having something like this happen could completely ruin a business partnership. There are certain contracts binding my father, mother, aunty and uncle together. Some contracts are split just between my uncle and dad but others are split between the four. Even my grandmother is included in some. All this worries me. How will our financial situation go now? Will we have to buy out my aunty? Will the farm go broke? And I'm worried about my grandma's reaction to this. Her son's marriage is breaking up and my grandma and I are alike in that we feel too much for others and worry about everyone else. When I first found out I had hopes that my uncle and aunty would just be separating and would eventually be happy together again. Now I know this won't be happening. :/
So much more stress and worry now as these thoughts constantly fill my head. I never thought this would have happened. Ever. I feel like I'm living through a nightmare. But this nightmare has come true.
They say they just aren't happy together but how can they be happy apart? Alone? Does three grown up children and twenty plus years of marriage count for nothing? What hope do the rest of us have?
Whatever happened to "till death do us part"? Why can nothing ever last?
My heart is aching and I'm feeling so much pain at the moment so I can only imagine what they are all going through. I cried when I found out and can't stop thinking about it still. I love them with all my heart and I really hope they have made the best decision, the right decision for them.
I died inside when I came home and heard that my aunty and uncle were splitting up. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and I was silently gasping for air. I've never had to experience anything like this before. I have such a large family but we are all close-knit and very family orientated.
This aunty and uncle of mine in particular I am very close to. They have lived in the house beside me practically my whole life. From as far back as I can remember they were there, always with an open door, giving me presents for my birthday and helping me to celebrate it, video camera at the ready on Christmas mornings, partying with us in the backyard etc. etc. They are like my second parents and I've always felt that if anything happened to my Mum and Dad, it would be my aunty and uncle who would take me and my siblings in as their own children.
There is a reason I hate change. I don't know what to think, how to act or feel or what the future is going to hold. Which one will move out? My aunty most probably but will my uncle still work on the farm? How often will my cousins be going backwards and forwards between their parents? Will both my aunty and uncle still come to family gatherings?
Now all I hear at home is hushed conversations between Mum and Dad about loans, mortgages, housing, solicitors etc etc. I feel like these are things I shouldn't have to worry about, being my parent's 'child' but the truth is, I'm not a child anymore. I know how these things work and how having something like this happen could completely ruin a business partnership. There are certain contracts binding my father, mother, aunty and uncle together. Some contracts are split just between my uncle and dad but others are split between the four. Even my grandmother is included in some. All this worries me. How will our financial situation go now? Will we have to buy out my aunty? Will the farm go broke? And I'm worried about my grandma's reaction to this. Her son's marriage is breaking up and my grandma and I are alike in that we feel too much for others and worry about everyone else. When I first found out I had hopes that my uncle and aunty would just be separating and would eventually be happy together again. Now I know this won't be happening. :/
So much more stress and worry now as these thoughts constantly fill my head. I never thought this would have happened. Ever. I feel like I'm living through a nightmare. But this nightmare has come true.
They say they just aren't happy together but how can they be happy apart? Alone? Does three grown up children and twenty plus years of marriage count for nothing? What hope do the rest of us have?
Whatever happened to "till death do us part"? Why can nothing ever last?
My heart is aching and I'm feeling so much pain at the moment so I can only imagine what they are all going through. I cried when I found out and can't stop thinking about it still. I love them with all my heart and I really hope they have made the best decision, the right decision for them.
05 July 2014: You Are Not Alone, I Am With You
Songs that help me through the worst of times. As depressing as they are, they perfectly resemble and let me know that I'm not alone even when I am.
(Lyrics with speech marks represent words that other people have said to or about the person with a mental illness)
When She Cries - Britt Nicole
A home is no place to hide, her heart is aching from the pain that she feels.
Everyday's the same, she fights to find her way. She hurts, she breaks, she cries.
Does anyone ever hear her when she cries?
Everyone's singing but she can't seem to smile. They never get past arms length, how could they act like everything is alright? Pulling down her long sleeves, to cover all the memories the scars leave. She says, "maybe making me bleed, will be the answer that could wash the slate clean."
The Last Night - Skillet
"You come to me with scars on your wrist. You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this."
I just came to say goodbye. Didn't want you to see me cry. I'm fine but I know it's a lie.
"This is the last night you'll spend alone. Look me in the eyes so I know you know. I'm everywhere you want me to be. The last night you'll spend alone. I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go. I'm everything you need me to be."
"Your parents say everything is your fault. But they don't know you like I know you, they don't know you at all".
I'm so sick of when they say it's just a phase, you'll be okay, you're fine. But I know it's a lie.
"The night is so long when everything's wrong. If you give me your hand I will help you hold on, tonight."
Would It Matter - Skillet
If I wasn't here tomorrow, would anybody care? If my time was up I'd wanna know, you were happy I was there.
I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone, someone that I like better.
Why - Rascal Flatts
"It must've been in a place so dark you couldn't feel the light reachin' for you through that stormy cloud. Now here we are gathered in our little hometown, this can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd. Oh, why? That's what I keep askin'. Was there anything I could have said or done? Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong. And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song."
(Lyrics with speech marks represent words that other people have said to or about the person with a mental illness)
When She Cries - Britt Nicole
A home is no place to hide, her heart is aching from the pain that she feels.
Everyday's the same, she fights to find her way. She hurts, she breaks, she cries.
Does anyone ever hear her when she cries?
Everyone's singing but she can't seem to smile. They never get past arms length, how could they act like everything is alright? Pulling down her long sleeves, to cover all the memories the scars leave. She says, "maybe making me bleed, will be the answer that could wash the slate clean."
The Last Night - Skillet
"You come to me with scars on your wrist. You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this."
I just came to say goodbye. Didn't want you to see me cry. I'm fine but I know it's a lie.
"This is the last night you'll spend alone. Look me in the eyes so I know you know. I'm everywhere you want me to be. The last night you'll spend alone. I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go. I'm everything you need me to be."
"Your parents say everything is your fault. But they don't know you like I know you, they don't know you at all".
I'm so sick of when they say it's just a phase, you'll be okay, you're fine. But I know it's a lie.
"The night is so long when everything's wrong. If you give me your hand I will help you hold on, tonight."
Would It Matter - Skillet
If I wasn't here tomorrow, would anybody care? If my time was up I'd wanna know, you were happy I was there.
I know I'm a mess and I wanna be someone, someone that I like better.
Why - Rascal Flatts
"It must've been in a place so dark you couldn't feel the light reachin' for you through that stormy cloud. Now here we are gathered in our little hometown, this can't be the way you meant to draw a crowd. Oh, why? That's what I keep askin'. Was there anything I could have said or done? Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong. And why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song."
Thursday 3 July 2014
03 July 2014: Long Time No Post
How great is happiness?! Seriously!
Most sane people probably wouldn't have actually spent the time sitting and thinking about it but then there's those few types of people who have learnt not to take that emotion for granted. Believe me, coming from someone who spent a long time without that feeling in their life, happiness is the most amazing feeling - despite love.
I'd forgotten what it was like to just have a good day. Waking up feeling refreshed and happy, doing housework while singing along (that trusty broom makes a great microphone!), knowing you have a great plan set out for that afternoon even if that just means staying in and watching movies while eating popcorn.
As much as I've gone through in the past year and a half, mentally and physically, it has all taught me many lessons: the strongest being to not take anything for granted, especially positive thoughts and feelings. These are what you live for. I aim to keep my thoughts and feelings hidden most of the time but try to be the person who reflects positivity and happiness. Whether that means smiling at random strangers, being the girl who is always laughing or being able to put a positive spin on bad situations, I believe that everyone needs someone like this in their life. For them to go and talk to this person no matter what the time and know that they will walk away from that conversation feeling ten times better. Weirdly, I have always felt that it's my duty to be one of these people. Laughing at everything comes naturally to me and I find it easy to see the positive in other people's situations. I fight constant battles with myself, my thoughts and my experiences but to be able to be the person that keeps others sane is what I hope I have become over the years.
Most sane people probably wouldn't have actually spent the time sitting and thinking about it but then there's those few types of people who have learnt not to take that emotion for granted. Believe me, coming from someone who spent a long time without that feeling in their life, happiness is the most amazing feeling - despite love.
I'd forgotten what it was like to just have a good day. Waking up feeling refreshed and happy, doing housework while singing along (that trusty broom makes a great microphone!), knowing you have a great plan set out for that afternoon even if that just means staying in and watching movies while eating popcorn.
As much as I've gone through in the past year and a half, mentally and physically, it has all taught me many lessons: the strongest being to not take anything for granted, especially positive thoughts and feelings. These are what you live for. I aim to keep my thoughts and feelings hidden most of the time but try to be the person who reflects positivity and happiness. Whether that means smiling at random strangers, being the girl who is always laughing or being able to put a positive spin on bad situations, I believe that everyone needs someone like this in their life. For them to go and talk to this person no matter what the time and know that they will walk away from that conversation feeling ten times better. Weirdly, I have always felt that it's my duty to be one of these people. Laughing at everything comes naturally to me and I find it easy to see the positive in other people's situations. I fight constant battles with myself, my thoughts and my experiences but to be able to be the person that keeps others sane is what I hope I have become over the years.
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